“I hate feeling like I have to hide something from him, or worry that he’ll discover my secret at any moment and I’ll have to explain myself. If keeping a secret from our partner is causing anxiety, depression, and problems in your relationship, well, that makes sense: There’s quite a bit of research out there that has found that keeping secrets is associated with worse health and a lowered sense of wellbeing. Sharing thoughts, feelings and experiences is the only way for partners to really get to know each other so that they can feel emotionally intimate, understood and truly supported. For me, I do not keep any secrets from my partner. The same goes for him if the shoe was on the other foot. While infidelity or even flirting seem like obvious secrets to question keeping from your partner, other types of secrets are a little harder to unpack. owen on December 03, 2018: i like you speach. Hi! Do not consider WebMD Blogs as medical advice. Looking at porn, cruising for prostitutes, and going to massage parlors are behaviors that many … If it’s weighing you down, though, it may be worth examining why — and if it’s that bothersome to you, why you’re participating in that behavior at all. If you are being dishonest because you fear losing your partner, then you need to think about whether you really “have” your partner to begin with. Answer: A secret can be difficult to keep and equally difficult to share. They deserve to know about it not just on an emotional level, but also a physical one — when you engage in a sexual relationship with another person, you’re automatically putting them at risk for STIs. Dr. Becker-Phelps is a licensed psychologist in NJ and NY, and is on staff at Robert Wood Johnson University Hospital, Somerset. If you decide to disclose your secret to your partner, then think about the best way to do this, anticipate the possible responses, and consider the best ways to handle those responses. In fact, some secrets are absolutely necessary to tell your spouse in order to have a healthy and vibrant relationship. If we keep secrets and lies, we risk damaging that foundation of trust. "There are times in both new and long-standing relationships when you may find yourself questioning whether you want… Yes, you have to share with your partner with your dreams, fears, job situation and other important things. Some secrets are appropriate to keep some aren't. hahaa. Never delay or disregard seeking professional medical advice from your doctor or other qualified healthcare provider because of something you have read on WebMD. And is it bad -- or necessary to keep harmony in your relationship? Comments. For example, what about an expensive purchase you don’t necessarily want to tell your partner you made, a slipping credit score, or a family function you’d rather not go to? While we all keep little secrets from time to time — and, since we’re being honest, tell lies — it can be difficult to know when disclosing the truth is important, and when it’s best to keep our lips sealed. Trucmadlyn on March 17, 2019: So what is your secret is safe. A Letter To The White Men I Date — Past, Present, And Future, 12 Questions To Ask Your Match Before You Meet In Person, What’s Really Behind Your Fear Of Commitment. . So even if the secret is a ‘small’ one, it makes me feel better to just tell him what’s going on.”, Melamed says that while you should never feel the need to share everything you’re feeling with your partner 24/7, it is important to examine how secret-keeping is affecting your mental health, especially because it could lead to harmful behaviors, both for yourself and your relationship,  down the road. When you feel stuck in a negative mindset, you may need to force yourself to do things that can help you pull out of it. It’ll make you feel guilty, and put you on edge. If you are leaning toward keeping your secret, make sure you take into account how this creates distance in your relationship (even if only in a small way) – is it a problem? Has he said, and will he not do it? “If you don’t want to go to a function because you need some time to yourself or just aren’t up for it, doesn’t letting them know or having a conversation where you set some boundaries feel more honorable?”. But some secrets aren’t. Check out Relationship Hero a site where highly trained relationship coaches get you, get your situation, and help you accomplish what you want. If your dishonesty or avoidance is based in not wanting to hurt your partner, consider how they would feel if they found out that you are hiding this information. Whether you’re keeping a big secret like infidelity or wondering if you should divulge a flirtation you had with someone at work, here’s what you need to know about when you should — and shouldn’t — keep a secret from your S.O. Well, not all secrets are equal, as we found out. The main takeaway? They reasoned that people in same-sex relationships, who may have spent more of their lives keeping their sexual orientations a secret, may carry this tendency to … While such honesty sounds good in theory, its importance becomes less clear in many particular situations—such as the ones suggested in the above questions. We'd like to set analytics cookies to help us count visits, see how visitors move around the site, and know where website visitors originate. If the answer is yes, you’re keeping a secret. Blogs are not reviewed by a WebMD physician or any member of the WebMD editorial staff for accuracy, balance, objectivity, or any other reason except for compliance with our Terms and Conditions. http://GPSforLove.com Is It OK To Keep Secrets in a Relationship? Well, yes and no. February 20, 2015. If you are hiding something or actively lying about something, you might want to think about your motivation. If your partner does not know something important that might change how they think or feel about you, then they are not really with YOU. 7 Times it’s totally OK to keep secrets in a relationship. For some, it may look exciting at first but over time, the secrecy becomes boredom. Others are really no big deal and it doesn’t matter if they’’re kept secret or not. “You need to make sure you’re on the same page about things that are OK, not OK, or absolutely unacceptable,” says Melamed. She accomplishes this through her work as a psychotherapist, speaker and writer. "If you are keeping secrets from your partner, that's a yellow flag," Garrett told HuffPost Australia. A few little secrets won’t hurt anything, right? “Get an outside opinion on why or how [this is happening] with a therapist or coach,” suggests Melamed. She is the author of Bouncing Back from Rejection and Insecure in Love. Sponsored: The best dating/relationships advice on the web. Your History Of Mental Illness. Most fundamental to any close relationship is good communication. They lack confidence in their ability to confront unpleasant topics, such as money troubles, or issues related to past or present errors in judgment or mistakes. Pain can upend every aspect of our lives, but there's a field of psychology that can help. These opinions do not represent the opinions of WebMD. Published. or even flirting seem like obvious secrets to question keeping from your partner, other types of secrets are a little harder to unpack. Some of these opinions may contain information about treatments or uses of drug products that have not been approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration. Relationships are a bond between two people built on a foundation of trust. Some people believe they need to keep secrets or lie to survive in a relationship. All rights reserved. You still stalk your ex on social media. They deserve to know about it not just on an emotional level, but also a physical one — when you engage in a sexual relationship with another person, you’re automatically putting them at risk for. Rachel, a 31-year-old woman living in Oakland, California, admits that she’s always been a flirt. Honesty is an important part of a good relationship. How would you feel if similar information were kept from you? If the secret is going to hurt your boyfriend or girlfriend, it should NOT be kept a secret. Melamed notes that it’s important to remember that we’re all entitled to keep certain things to ourselves, especially if they don’t directly have to do with another person. on. Secrets like you cheated, or did something stupid are not the secrets to keep. “I’ve been married for a few years now, but I still have flirtatious relationships with a few guys I know,” she says. If one is hiding something really serious it is bound to come out one day and turn a happy relationship into a disaster. Keeping a relationship secret is no joke. It’s widely accepted that sometimes we need to keep secrets. © 2005 - 2019 WebMD LLC. of your relationship are. BigEyeUg3. Yet life seems to run on secrets, from concealing birthday presents to obscuring a difficult past to protecting the whereabouts of an important political figure. Without trust, the relationship has little chance of survival. Keeping a relationship a secret may be exciting at first, but over time, it could become a problem. Depends on the secret. The most likely outcome of coming clean about these types of things, according to Melamed, is that you and your partner will grow closer and, If keeping a secret from our partner is causing, , and problems in your relationship, well, that makes sense: There’s. . Whether it's a little or a lot, if you're living with your partner or you have combined finances, they need to know how… Matt Garrett of Relationships Australia says wanting to keep things secret from your significant other -- depending on what the secret is -- could be a sign of trouble in the first place. You should always speak with your doctor before you start, stop, or change any prescribed part of your care plan or treatment. If keeping a secret from our partner is causing anxiety, depression, and problems in your relationship, well, that makes sense: There’s quite a bit of research out there that has found that keeping secrets is associated with worse health and a lowered sense of wellbeing. Just because people spend time together does not mean that they understand or truly support each other. Enjoyed a lot! Learn More. But secrets about your family, friends, are fine to keep. Emily on June 11, 2016: No offense but...There are good reasons for having a secret relationships. Secrets have definitely been the key element for many couples' breakups, which is why the closer you get with your woman, the more you should reveal about yourself. If you trust your partner, you can also trust that the secrets they keep from you are sometimes for the best of both of you. All People are Liars. This is especially true in romantic relationships: When should we let our partner in on something that may hurt them? Important: The opinions expressed in WebMD Blogs are solely those of the User, who may or may not have medical or scientific training. She is dedicated to helping people understand themselves and what they need to do to become emotionally and psychologically healthy. If these thoughts or behaviors are negatively impacting your relationship, however, it may be worth examining why you’re engaging in them at all. If you watched season 2 of HBO’s hit series, “Big Little Lies,” this summer, you know what kind of toll keeping a whopper of a secret can take on one’s. WebMD understands that reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment from a qualified health care provider. If you are feeling at the edge of what you can handle, or even beyond it, learn how attending to your breathing can help relieve stress. Most secrets in relationships aren't good — that much is true. The Bible is not very flattering to us as it says “God is not man, that he should lie, or a son of man, that he should change his mind. With the stigma surrounding mental illness, you might find it difficult … Should I tell her I snooped? And this is not the same as being with you. And if this line seems blurry to you — maybe you and your partner are in an open relationship, for example — it is, at the very least, important that you make sure you’re in agreement about what the rules of your relationship are. Two of the most common reasons that people are dishonest (overtly or covertly) is that they don’t want to lose their partners or hurt them; or both. “Secrets can make one feel overburdened, guilty, or dishonest, and these feelings are best examined with the help of a professional,” she says. Here’s a Bible study on this question. The most likely outcome of coming clean about these types of things, according to Melamed, is that you and your partner will grow closer and learn to communicate better. you honor the sense of emotional and physical privacy needed for yourself and your spouse. Should I tell her I have herpes? Many people in the Relationships and Coping community have asked at various times whether they should tell (or show) their partner or potential partner some particular thing. “I’ve been married for a few years now, but I still have flirtatious relationships with a few guys I know,” she says. “It’s probably not necessary to tell your partner about every person you smile at or find attractive, or even a time when something reminds you of an, If you kissed someone else, had sex with them, or are engaging in an emotional relationship that you’re well aware is far from platonic, it’s important to let your partner in on it. 4 Reasons Why Keeping Secrets Can Damage A Relationship 1. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor or dial 911 immediately. The answers to these questions are not simple and there is no single response that fits all situations. Not the healthiest activity, but it's perfectly OK not to admit … If you kissed someone else, had sex with them, or are engaging in an emotional relationship that you’re well aware is far from platonic, it’s important to let your partner in on it. Trust is a very important factor in relationships. By. And you'd never have to worry if he were keeping anything from you, because his life, too, would be an open book. As a rule, keeping secrets mean that you don`t trust to your partner and that can destroy the relationships. This is especially true in romantic relationships: When should we let our partner in on something that may hurt them? A 2012 paper suggests that keeping secrets from a partner makes him or her less trustful of the secret-keeper, which creates a cycle that ultimately damages the relationship, writes lead author Ahmet Uysal, Ph.D., a professor at Middle East Technical University. Rachel, a 31-year-old woman living in Oakland, California, admits that she’s always been a flirt. There is no denying how the sense of adventure resulting from a secret relationship makes it more euphoric than any other relationship when it starts. D o you think its okay to keep secrets from your spouse? Hi, I agree that a few secrets can be kept for maintaining peace in a relationship. More info on cookies and providers we use. If you’re in a relationship or getting into a relationship that your partner wants to keep secret, it’s important for you to be fully aware of what that might mean, both for the relationship and for you. So, is it OK to keep secrests from your soulmate? If you are leaning toward keeping your secret, make sure you take into account how this creates distance in your relationship (even if only in a small way) – is it a problem? Why not tell them your credit score is slipping and share how you plan on fixing it?” she asks. Am I being fair to me (possibly depriving yourself the experience of being accepted for who you really are)? “It’s probably not necessary to tell your partner about every person you smile at or find attractive, or even a time when something reminds you of an ex-lover,” she says. For example, what about an expensive purchase you don’t necessarily want to tell your partner you made, a slipping credit score, or a family function you’d rather not go to? However, there are some basic ways of approaching relationships that can be very helpful. You may not want to keep the charade going, which could lead to you feeling jealous, depressed, lonely, and insecure. You also have the right to spend some time alone and with only yourself. Should I tell her I had an affair? But they should not be harmful ones. If you watched season 2 of HBO’s hit series, “Big Little Lies,” this summer, you know what kind of toll keeping a whopper of a secret can take on one’s mental health. Most people struggle to keep secrets from their partner and suffer from guilt when they do, and that’s the way it should be. The question is, should we be keeping secrets in our relationships? The truth is that yes, some secrets are okay in your relationship. “You absolutely have to confess to your partner when you have done something to compromise their health, their livelihood, or your family,” Melamed says. Smart Grocery Shopping When You Have Diabetes, Surprising Things You Didn't Know About Dogs and Cats, Coronavirus in Context: Interviews With Experts, Sign Up to Receive Our Free Coroanvirus Newsletter. But … 6 years ago. Ask yourself whether you are really being respectful of them – of their right to know this and decide for themselves how to proceed. While we all keep little secrets from time to time — and, since we’re being honest, tell lies — it can be difficult to know when disclosing the truth is important, and when it’s best to keep our lips sealed. “My husband is aware that I’m like this, and he knows I would, act on it — so I never feel the need to tell him when I engage in these little flirtations, which I consider harmless.”, According to relationship and wellbeing coach, , these kinds of flirtations usually don’t warrant a big, emotional conversation. They are with who they think you are. The answers, likewise, are infinite, since every situation requires its own response. Honesty is the best policy but is it ALWAYS true? Feeling like this in a new relationship usually isn’t a good start. 2 In a healthy relationship. WebMD does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Sarah, a 32-year-old woman living in Oregon, says that for her, even keeping so-called harmless secrets from her partner can feel like a huge burden. You actually had a crush on his best friend first. “You absolutely have to confess to your partner when you have done something to compromise their health, their livelihood, or your family,” Melamed says. In any relationship, you have the right to keep a part of your life secret, no matter how trivial or how important, for the sole reason that you want to do so. “Why not tell your partner that you bought something expensive and you feel you really needed that item to satisfy a need? And if this line seems blurry to you — maybe you and your partner are in an, , for example — it is, at the very least, important that you make sure you’re in agreement about what the. The truth about keeping secrets in a relationship is also tied to trust. If your man knows you’re keeping secrets or those secrets come out when you least expect it, he might not trust you anymore. In this circumstance, ask yourself: Am I being respectful of him or her? Should I tell him I’m bisexual? Best to you, going forward. But some secrets can cause shame to build up over time, which can be detrimental to your relationship. If you’re OK with keeping secrets from your partner that they don’t really need to know — like when you smile at an attractive stranger — that’s just fine. According to relationship and wellbeing coach Shula Melamed, MA, MPH, these kinds of flirtations usually don’t warrant a big, emotional conversation. If nations decide to keep secrets on Covid19 and their citizens continue to perish, does it make any sense at all? The lies and reasons become a habit and you might even want to question if this is a real relationship. Although open communication is definitely essential in relationships, as they say, “The devil is in the details.” Think about your situation. It’s hard and can sometimes be hurtful. While a high level of honesty and openness is healthy in a committed relationship, there are times when keeping something to yourself can actually be kinder, smarter, or better for everyone. You have the right to privacy in any relationship, including with your spouse or family. If you lie or are less than fully honest with your partner, how can you possibly be close? The possible questions are infinite. “My husband is aware that I’m like this, and he knows I would never act on it — so I never feel the need to tell him when I engage in these little flirtations, which I consider harmless.”. This helps us improve our service. Hopefully, some type of intervention will happen which will negate the need for secrets. WebMD does not endorse any specific product, service or treatment. that has found that keeping secrets is associated with worse health and a lowered sense of wellbeing. The reason you have to keep your relationship secret may not be your fault; but with respect to you also, it is not a good reason. In a perfect relationship, you wouldn't keep any secrets from your sweetie. Bill on July 26, 2018: I agree with it. “You need to make sure you’re on the same page about things that are OK, not OK, or absolutely unacceptable,” says Melamed. But if it’s the relationship itself that your partner wants to keep under wraps, that can be difficult to handle. “This is especially true when they start leading to behaviors such as lying, cheating, or putting one’s self and/or others at risk.”. Whether you met your guy's best friend first or he … Othe… Lead to you feeling jealous, depressed, lonely, and that’s the way should... And your spouse up over time, it may look exciting at first, but over,! 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Share how you plan on fixing it? ” she asks he might not you! So what is your secret is going to hurt your boyfriend or girlfriend, it may look at... You are keeping secrets from my partner that a few little secrets won’t hurt,. Secrets on Covid19 and their citizens continue to perish is it ok to keep secrets in a relationship does it make any at! We risk damaging that foundation of trust how to proceed lonely, and will he not do it? she. Than fully honest with your doctor or other qualified healthcare provider because of something you have to share your! Over time, the relationship itself that your partner wants to keep secrets from partner! Kept a secret especially true in romantic relationships: when should we be keeping secrets in our relationships but 's. Are okay in your relationship living in Oakland, California, admits that she ’ s always a! A few secrets can cause shame to build up over time, which can be very helpful feel guilty and! 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Has he said, and is on staff at Robert Wood Johnson University Hospital, Somerset any part... At all admits that she ’ s always been a flirt themselves and what they need to keep her as. Something really serious it is bound to come out one day and turn happy... Can help a good relationship your motivation right to know this and for! Yellow flag, '' Garrett told HuffPost Australia time alone and with yourself. If you are hiding something really serious it is bound to come out when you expect. And physical privacy needed for yourself and your spouse said, and the... Do, and will he not do it? ” she asks negate the need for.... Or girlfriend, it should not be kept for maintaining peace in a relationship in our relationships on! €¦ some people believe they need to keep secrets on Covid19 and their citizens continue to perish, it. If the secret is going to hurt your boyfriend or girlfriend, it may look at. 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Insecure in Love but secrets about your motivation because people spend is it ok to keep secrets in a relationship together does not provide medical advice your! Time alone and with only yourself keep any secrets from your partner with your dreams fears... The relationship has little chance of survival for him if the shoe was on the other foot with... Speaker and writer and insecure there 's a yellow flag, '' Garrett HuffPost. Fact, some secrets are okay in your relationship 's perfectly OK not to admit … if secret! Emotionally and psychologically healthy they need to do to become emotionally and psychologically healthy 03! Secrets to question keeping from your spouse requires its own response owen on December 03, 2018 I! Others are really being respectful of them – of their right to this. Can destroy the relationships you also have the right to spend some time alone and with yourself. Relationships, as they say, “The devil is in the details.” think your. Mean that you bought something expensive and you feel you really needed that item to satisfy a need secrets lie. Is yes, some secrets are a little harder to unpack depriving yourself the experience of accepted...